Submission is something that a person CHOOSES to give to a Dominant partner. It is a conscious choice to allow another to make certain choices or engage in certain behaviors with them. The goal of submission is to elicit pleasure and happiness with the Dominant and this exchange causes a great deal of pleasure with the submissive as well. All submissives crave praise and being “good” at submission. How does one do this, exactly? What are the rules of being a good submissive?
It can be hard to discern this sometimes, especially if we allow porn or media to influence how we view submissives. Submissives are not weak – they are exactly the opposite – strong! They choose, consciously, to let the Dominant have control over them in many ways. Contrary to what you may believe, being a “good” submissive does not involve doing WHATEVER the Dominant says. They don’t allow themselves to be beaten or abused. No, there is much more to it and that is a gross misrepresentation.
There are certain aspects that will make you a good submissive in the eyes of those who know exactly what makes this so. Here are a few of them.
GIVE THE GIFT OF SUBMISSION WITH FULL UNDERSTANDING: If you truly want to be a “good” submissive then you have to understand that what you are granting the Dominant is a true gift and this must be given with a full understanding of what this entails. You are putting your trust into this other person, allowing yourself to be vulnerable in many ways that you have not been previously. You cannot “fake” submission – and if you try you will not find fulfillment. If you are unsure in any way that you want to give this gift, then do not do it.
BE HONEST: While the true goal of a submissive is to give pleasure to their Dominant, you cannot give true pleasure unless you are honest regarding the activities that you wish to engage in. You have to be completely honest about your expectations, fears, and apprehensions and about what you would definitely NOT like to do or participate in. If, for example, anal sex is something that causes you great fear, do not allow that to happen until YOU feel that it is something you wish to do. Make it a hard limit for yourself so that you feel you have some control over that. [s]ubmission is not about losing ALL control all the time – it is about freely relinquishing control under a set of certain parameters.
USE YOUR SAFE WORD: ALL Dom / sub pairings NEED to have a safe word. A safe word is a word or phrase outside of “normal” language that signifies when play should STOP immediately. This word is a safeguard for the submissive to be able to be released from anything that is making her /him uncomfortable, scared or causing pain which is unwanted. If you want to use your safe word and do not – then it can cause issues with future play. If you are engaging in something that you wish to stop – then use the safe word! Good submissives do not ignore the safe word, they use it when they need to. This builds trust between the Dominant and the submissive.
BE RESPECTFUL: [s]ubmission is about a dynamic in which one person is in a sort of “Master” or, in remedial terms, “boss” type roll. A submissive is to respect Him / Her. If you want to truly be a good submissive partner, then you will be respectful of the Dominant. You will not play games or “pretend” to submit, you will actually give them the respect they deserve as your Dominant. This can take on many different forms – but the basic gist is there. Use language which is respectful, use the title you agree upon – “Master” or “Sir” or another term.
DO AS TOLD – SUBMIT: It may seem obvious, but if you want to be a proper submissive, you will do as told. This means that in your agreed upon dynamic, within the confines of the actions you have stated you will participate in, you DO AS TOLD. Your Dominant asks you to spread your legs – you do it. Your Dominant asks you to hold an orgasm – you do it. It is quite simple, really, you DO AS TOLD. [s]ubmission is about SUBMITTING – So, yeah, SUBMIT.
CARE FOR YOUR DOMINANT: The truth is, if you submit yourself to your Dominant and you truly do not care for him, it will not be as great of a gift as it could be. The best Dom / sub pairings are between persons who legitimately care and love each other. Care about their needs, wants, desires IN and OUT of the bedroom. Try to bring them happiness in ways that are not related directly to your submission. Show Him / Her that you really care about them. This will make the act of submission much more emotional and better overall.
GO BEYOND SEX: A true submissive heart is such even outside of the sexual realm. While I spend a great deal of time analyzing the sexual nature of submission, a true submissive partner will be kind, loving, generous, caring outside of the bedroom. This does NOT mean that you become a slave for the Dominant, serving 24/7 (although, some relationships are like this). It simply means that if you care about your Dominant’s opinions, thoughts, needs and desires in a general way, it will make you the very best submissive. True submission is not role playing – it is a way of thinking, acting and being. It gives you the most wonderful reward when you, yourself, submit to it. If you take a bit of that submissive heart and place it into “real” life – you will be the very best submissive, and one the Dominant will cherish.